I stepped away from this blog over a year ago. There were a couple of reasons for that.
First, I started to receive some actual treatment. I FINALLY got in to see a psychiatrist about my Bipolar and OCD diagnoses, I got my meds all sorted out, and I attended therapy sessions regularly to deal with some of the more heinous aspects of my anxiety…ahem, panic attacks. I still had a lot of ups and a lot of downs as we found which prescriptions and which dosages worked for me. I spent a lot of days in a really foggy haze (kind of like I’d just smoked a lot of pot). Then I spent a lot of days planning my suicide, was almost hospitalized (but I really didn’t want to go because other people and germs and gross — I know, I know, my brain sometimes makes no sense), and switching around medications yet again.
Which brings me to the second reason I dropped this blog: I have a tendency to take on waaaaaay too many projects when I’m having a hypomanic episode. Seriously. Way too many:
- this blog
- two other blogs
- an all-natural bath & body shop
- running the myriad social media accounts to go along with the above
- writing three different novels
- deciding that I’m an artist and I need to draw & paint at all hours & hang these pieces of “art” on the walls of my home
- then, deciding that I don’t like that and it is far more practical to begin collecting Star Wars items and decorating with those.
- deciding that I can build a computer, and on day 1 have picked out all my parts and started buying them
- deciding that I’m an actress and involving myself in two movies (and deciding that I’m going to move to L.A. and become famous and started apartment hunting)
Anyone else tired yet? Yeah, me neither! More projects! Better apply for a million new jobs, then accept one.
- transitioning into my new position as tenure-track faculty (aaaahhh!!!)
- research & writing
- committee work
- conference attendance
*has a lucid moment* *rolls eyes at herself* *makes plan of action*
You HAVE to drop some things, lady!
So I did. I dropped this blog, and the bath & body shop, and the social media accounts that went with this blog and the shop, and my aspirations of becoming an actress, and ONE of the novels.
*breathes a huge sigh of relief*
I felt so much lighter at this point, and I had finally “graduated” from my mindfulness therapy, and was deemed worthy of re-entering society. (Of course, the doc said I could always call if I needed a “tune-up” 😀 .) So, feeling much, much better in terms of my anxiety and panic attacks, I decided I should put into action some of the things the doc and I had worked on, namely, my values map. I wanted to date again, and potentially get married and start a family. Family was top on my list of values. So, I did. I got online, and I met someone, and I gave him way too much information about me on date #2, and we’ve been together for almost a year now!
I’ve finally found a balance (for the moment), and I’m about to start seeing a new therapist to deal with the underlying triggers of my hypomanic and depressive states. I have a lot of hope at the moment, and that feels really good. And, it’s possible I’ve picked this back up as yet another project during a slightly manic episode, but I think at this point, I can handle it. It isn’t making me feel pressure like it did before. Rather, it is serving as an outlet. I’m finding that a lot of my family, friends, and even sometimes my BF, get uncomfortable when I want to talk about my mental health. They do try to be supportive, but I don’t want to be a burden to them, so I will write down the things I need to say here. It’s entirely likely no one will ever read this, but it feels really good to get it out there anyway.