Pondering want

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Why are we always striving? Didn’t Schopenhauer warn us about that? I wish I could stop. I think I’d be happier if I stopped. I was happier when I didn’t want anything. But then I met people who made me want, who made me yearn, who made me desire. And now I can’t stop. My mind is filled with the curved lines of strong muscles and angular jaw lines. It is filled with blonde and dark brown hair, hazel eyes, blue eyes, and the darkest brown — like midnight pools full of shadow and knowing. I don’t even want just one — I want all. My greed for them is consuming my waking hours. I am a dragon and they are my gold.

I don’t deserve any of them because what I feel is a desire to possess — to have and to hold. Isn’t that a terrible sentiment? I want to be — to be with and be near — to exist with and for, but not to have. How can I not want to have? How can I stop that? I’m not sure force of will will work here. Do I need an emotional intervention? Do those exist? Does anyone else feel like this?

I want to stop feeling. Feeling is hard. Too hard truthfully. Sometimes the feelings themselves are so strong they don’t have individual names. They become titanic entities that overwhelm and control my mind and my motor functions. At these times I find my cheeks wet for no reason and a pain so great and constricting in my chest I think I will never recover.

Somebody please make it stop. Make the need to have the want to want the feeling stop. Everything is too much.


Bipolar II

Happy Ravenclaw Appreciation Day, Ravenclaws!!!

pretty ravenclaw imageIt’s Ravenclaw Appreciation Day!!! For those of you Ravenclaws who didn’t know, mark it on your calendar, and start planning your celebration for next year!!!

To everyone else:  I know we’re quirky, and you probably roll your eyes at us most of the time, BUT you know you love us!!! 😉

keep calm ravenclaw

Personally, my favorite HP character is Luna Lovegood. I wish she had been introduced in the series sooooo much earlier. I know she’s an oddball, but that’s part of the reason I identify with her so much. I never really fit in with my schoolmates either. My head was always in the clouds. I also had long, blonde hair and my nose was always in a book (too bad we don’t actually have The Quibbler IRL).

Anyhoo, I’m skipping off to read a book now. Or maybe I’ll go find some pudding…

Enjoy your celebrations! 

They Say Mental Illness is an Invisible Disease – a Poem

I ❤ this poem from myloudbipolarwhispers. 😀 Expresses so many of the feelings I’ve had.

My Loud Bipolar Whispers

Because today is World Poetry Day 2018, I decided to write a poem. I hope you like it.

They say mental illness is an invisible disease.

No depression cough or bipolar sneeze.

There are no mental illness casts or bandages to wear

to heal or symbolize the pain we must bear.

Stigma influences the disease to become hidden

making speaking of it sometimes strictly forbidden.

Fear that exposing the truth would cause bias and shame

forces survivors to pretend and deceive by hiding its name.

There are no blood tests to determine the diagnosis or cause.

No x-rays or cat scans to prove medications should pause.

Developing the art of illusion and becoming the master of disguise

becomes necessary to hide painful symptoms and internal cries.

We must end stigma and stop the fears.

Listen compassionately with open ears.

Mental illness voices must speak and be heard

sharing stories, wisdom…

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Depression sucks

I’m supposed to be editing a novel right now. I made it one of my yearly goals and everything, but for the past month I’ve been up and down and up and then way, way down again. Editing has been the furthest thing from my mind. Trying to sleep normally — now that has been front and center.

For several days in February I didn’t sleep at all. Thankfully I have a loving boyfriend who intervened and made me take my sleeping medication. But I was still riding those vibrating waves of hypomania. I didn’t want to sit still. I had a thousand ideas about art projects to start and ways to make money. I had so many thoughts in my head my tongue felt inadequate to the task of speaking. So I stuttered and stared bug-eyed at people hoping I could make them understand with a mental force of will. Spoiler alert:  they didn’t.

Then, that fickle bastard Hypomania dropped me on my ass.

Have you ever seen those Road Runner cartoons? The Road Runner is always being chased by Wile E. Coyote, and Wile E. Coyote is always getting his ass dropped over cliffs. That’s how I felt. One second I was running and running and running trying to get to my goals/things/ideas/etc., and the next second, I found myself suspended in midair, bracing for the inevitable drop.

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Le. Sigh.

Now I have new meds. Upped my dosage of Wellbutrin from 300 mg to 400 mg. Kept the Celexa at 10mg, and replaced Trazodone with Doxepin.

Hoping to have a few even-keeled days soon. 😀

Oh, I hate myself sometimes…

So that post I threw up at the end of February? Yeah, that was a result of yet another hypomanic episode. It lasted about a week, and was swiftly followed by a bottoming out. Thank the gods I had started to see a new therapist. He asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said no. I mean, hello docs, how are you not getting this yet? I HATE other people and their germs etc., etc. I am not EVER going to want to be hospitalized even if I should be. So if you give me a choice, I’m going to say no. Even when a large part of my brain is shouting YES!

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I have another appointment with my psychiatrist next week. Time to switch around the meds again. Joy.


Coming to Terms with Who I Am

I stepped away from this blog over a year ago. There were a couple of reasons for that.

First, I started to receive some actual treatment. I FINALLY got in to see a psychiatrist about my Bipolar and OCD diagnoses, I got my meds all sorted out, and I attended therapy sessions regularly to deal with some of the more heinous aspects of my anxiety…ahem, panic attacks. I still had a lot of ups and a lot of downs as we found which prescriptions and which dosages worked for me. I spent a lot of days in a really foggy haze (kind of like I’d just smoked a lot of pot). Then I spent a lot of days planning my suicide, was almost hospitalized (but I really didn’t want to go because other people and germs and gross — I know, I know, my brain sometimes makes no sense), and switching around medications yet again.


Which brings me to the second reason I dropped this blog:  I have a tendency to take on waaaaaay too many projects when I’m having a hypomanic episode. Seriously. Way too many:

  • this blog
  • two other blogs
  • an all-natural bath & body shop
  • running the myriad social media accounts to go along with the above
  • writing three different novels
  • deciding that I’m an artist and I need to draw & paint at all hours & hang these pieces of “art” on the walls of my home
    • then, deciding that I don’t like that and it is far more practical to begin collecting Star Wars items and decorating with those.
  • deciding that I can build a computer, and on day 1 have picked out all my parts and started buying them
  • deciding that I’m an actress and involving myself in two movies (and deciding that I’m going to move to L.A. and become famous and started apartment hunting)

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Anyone else tired yet? Yeah, me neither! More projects! Better apply for a million new jobs, then accept one.

  • transitioning into my new position as tenure-track faculty (aaaahhh!!!)
    • research & writing
    • committee work
    • performance
    • conference attendance
    • etc.

*has a lucid moment* *rolls eyes at herself* *makes plan of action*

You HAVE to drop some things, lady!

So I did. I dropped this blog, and the bath & body shop, and the social media accounts that went with this blog and the shop, and my aspirations of becoming an actress, and ONE of the novels.

*breathes a huge sigh of relief*

I felt so much lighter at this point, and I had finally “graduated” from my mindfulness therapy, and was deemed worthy of re-entering society. (Of course, the doc said I could always call if I needed a “tune-up” 😀 .) So, feeling much, much better in terms of my anxiety and panic attacks, I decided I should put into action some of the things the doc and I had worked on, namely, my values map. I wanted to date again, and potentially get married and start a family. Family was top on my list of values. So, I did. I got online, and I met someone, and I gave him way too much information about me on date #2, and we’ve been together for almost a year now!

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I’ve finally found a balance (for the moment), and I’m about to start seeing a new therapist to deal with the underlying triggers of my hypomanic and depressive states. I have a lot of hope at the moment, and that feels really good. And, it’s possible I’ve picked this back up as yet another project during a slightly manic episode, but I think at this point, I can handle it. It isn’t making me feel pressure like it did before. Rather, it is serving as an outlet. I’m finding that a lot of my family, friends, and even sometimes my BF, get uncomfortable when I want to talk about my mental health. They do try to be supportive, but I don’t want to be a burden to them, so I will write down the things I need to say here. It’s entirely likely no one will ever read this, but it feels really good to get it out there anyway.

Cheers people!